breather

as much as i hate to admit it, the need to be honest is relevant: i thank God for the sudden break from school - yet, i didn't approve of the storm. or did i?

many unfinished requirements are threatening my academic standing. the deadlines are in sight but the requirements themselves are blurry. all are crumped together in one deadline and none are finished - or have been started yet. after 13 years of studying, i still can't get the art of being academically on-time.

the storm was scary and unexpected. i had a taste of it. it wasn't nice - and i am sheltered. i wouldn't want to think about those who weren't.

i don't know where this is going.

suppose the point has already arrived.

Classes and Crosses

i'm amazed by how the image of the Cross can scare the Hell out of me.

there are days when school seems to be an illogical institution that advocates reason, with no concrete explanation of how it will help us when we're already dead. seriously, if it weren't for God,going to school will be irrational. fine, let me try.

a student goes to school to earn himself a bright future (whatever bright means and how bright it could get, who knows?). an intelligent or street smart college grad can get a car, a house, a dog, even a dozen electric peelers (for laziness's sake). he would live accordingly, have a family, send his kids to a good school, his kids would earn a degree, work, get a car, electric peelers - see, cyclic. so what's the point of the cycle if there's no God? just to live, have babies, and die? what's the point of happiness and sorrow when at the end of it all, everythig will be deemed worthless by in an atheist's world?

stretching further, what's wrong with killing anything or anyone if there is no God? it might be considered wrong in the eyes of everybody else's, but I bet Hitler and the rest of humanity's enemies have total confidence in themselves to not care about what others think.

no, there must be a God. and He wants me to go to school, finish, and then surprise.

there are days when i drag myself to each class, forgetting why i am there in the first place. there are days when i lsoe interest in my academic form of worship, and i sometimes think there is no God.

pardon and forgiveness, Lord.

but then again, the Crucified keeps me going, reminding me why I'm here, why my eyes hurt, and what He wants from me. He pushes me.

and right now I'm really being violently shoved for stubborness.

Lord, tutor me.

see what Friendster can do (a moment of angst)

may mga pagbabagong pinagdadaanan - dapat pagdaanan. bumabalik ang nakaraang sarili, kaya lang ngayon, malaki ang pinagbago - o umalis nga ba ang luma?

insecure sa mga taong gustong iparamdam sa iba ang insecurity, pero kasama rin nun ang awa para sa mga nasabing tao. mahina ang memorya, nakakapinsalang utak, mahirap makaintindi ng mga bagay-bagay, nakakahiya sa klase kasi mababa ang IQ pag-umasta. kaya nagbabasa ng anu-ano - dahil insecure.

sa lahat-lahat ng nabanggit, gusto ko lang naman makilala ang Diyos - at kasiyahan ko yun, kahit sa punto ng buhay ko ngayon,
banas na banas talaga ako sa takbo ng mundo:
sa apathy ng mga taong may makapangyarihan sa bulsa at utak,
sa indifference ng mga tao tungkol sa Diyos,
sa individualism na sinalpakan pa ng liberalism,
sa mga komersyal ng mga kapitalista sa shampoo at pampaputi,
sa mga komersyal ang anti- at pro-ChaCha na hindi naman talaga ipinapaliwanag sa mga tao kung bakit dapat maging anti- at pro,
sa mga aktibistang tatakbo sa kinabukasan na malamang magiging target rin ng mga kinabukasang aktibista,
sa mga may simpatya kay Palparan,
sa mga opportunists na nagmamanipula sa utak ng masa,
sa sarili ko kasi nagmamagaling ako eh wala naman talga akong alam -
well, ilan lang ito sa mga galit ko.

mapapansing malayo ako sa larawan ng isang Kristyano. malamang kahihiyan ako sa Sankakristyanuhan. pero hindi, hindi na mahalaga kung ano ang iniisip ko at ng ibang tao tungkol sa sarili ko.

pero buti na lang at mahal ako ng Diyos, at maniwala man ako o hindi, hinihiling Niyang mahalin ko ang lahat ng nabanggit kong kinasusuklaman ko, kasam na ang sarili ko. ang iniisip lang Niya ang mahalaga, kahit mahirap unawain.

mahirap, pero natututo naman ako.

sa ngayon, yun. nagmamahal naman ako. pero gusto Niya na magmahal talaga yun talagang ako.

magmamahal rin ako.

aw.