Mingkei's Dead and Conversing


my six-day old cat already purred her last. it's weird how she triggered my melodic past to again resonate its melancholy. the moment i saw her, dead and stiff, was the moment that i never thought would stir me to resolve my past.
i never did like cats. they're, ahm, irritatingly noisy. even before i saw Mingkei outside the CMC, i always preferred dogs over them "furry seducing" little creatures. i never thought that i would adopt her, but the moment i saw her was some sort of a divine apparition that made me do the opposite. she still had her eyes closed (newborn, abandoned by her cat mommy) and was crawling aimlessly beside the sewer seal. i honestly thought that God rained cats that day - and this one was for me.
so i nourished her: fed her milk (Spanish, courtesy of our landlady); fixed her bed; woke up every 2am just to check if she's still purring; played deaf towards my boardmates' teasing that she'll be dead soon (and how they would kill her); and prayed to God that she'll survive to see Addy. everything went well. everything was cute, just like Mingkei whouwould slowly open her eyes everytime she cuddles up in the palm of my hand. she's going to survive, i told myself. she's going to die, they told me.
and she did.
i brought her along with me to Eki's home. i don't know if it was the piercing cold that bruised her delicate skin, or probably she wasn't used to travel at all, but the point is she died. weird enough, it happened after i have read my mp10 prof's short stories (which is another story) - particularly about cats dying in their mommy's womb just because some kids were learning how to count carresingly (with kitten fetuses as their academic material). well, i just wished that MIngkei died the same way as they so that i wouldn't have bothered investing a bit of love for cats. but then again, it's not about cats. it's about babies. humans.
i gave her a "proper" burial. i wrapped her in one of my unused pillow case (geometric shapes, courtesy of my Mama), put her in a medical paper bag (antibiotic, courtesy of my aunt), and let her float on the rushing stream just like Moses, with rain playing with me, beside the vet hospital and CFA.i thanked God for her and for the disturbance that she caused. she probably ended up in the sewer - just like some babies who are now residing in the stench, who weren't so lucky to be born and left beside a sewer lid and who were carresed by hands that don't know how to count them as living. their proliferating corpses populates the under ground that is rightfully for human waste only. well, enlighten the people wasted them in the first place.
for MIngkei: who stirred my past to disturb me once again. i wonder if she already sprayed herself with perfume, talking to "them" right now, how her six days were spent, and what is the current state of the sewer. was i enough? what will she say?
meow.
and they would just probably laugh.

Define Worth

man, applying for these self-inducted premiere orgs is a charismatic drag. i want to quit, but then again i'd rather not. i have no idea about why i'm pursuing my application - but i'm still running the enigmatic race. what i'll get form them, i don't know. all i know is i'm having fun while paining myself.

CASAA day for SPECA apps has just passed by (thanks, God!). we made a pretty job of humiliating ourselves and disturbing people at their lunch. we entertained them, we could tell by the smile in their faces (more of a smirk, I guess). the dance - well, we danced. let's live it at that.

i'm Cineaste's hyped. i really want to be a scriptwriter. again, i have no idea, but all i know is that's what i want.

Melvin, Melvin, Melvin. I really love this guy: his messages do help me a lot. "i want a life more than sleep". aw, i don't know why that line captured me. but i really thank God for him.

Jesus really did humble Himself to the extremities. God's message (delivered thru "him") comforted me BIG TIME. in the midst of all this hassle and doubt, Jesus' humility seems to make my life more meaningful. now, i know that others are waaay better than me: writing, playing disc, acads, color combi, etc. but i'm happy that God gives me a taste of everything. after all, He is the source.

i don't know, i don't know, i don't know: what will happen tomorrow, why i'm writing a snap preview of my day (and why this particular day), what expenses will exhaust my finances, will i be able to live to see Addy's 60th birthday...so many things while time's running fast.

i guess God really wants us back home as soon as possible. everything's worth it.

Labingapat Dapat - mga tulang sabog

ang galing ni Lord. "Empeeten" pa ang ginamit niyang guro para makapagsulat ako sa Filipino. Astig talaga.

ang hirap gumawa ng tula. iba pala ang nagagawa ng kaba at takot nang babagsak muli, o 'di naman kaya makakuha ng nakakaiyak na grado. buti na lang nagising ako ng 'di ko pagkuha sa tugmang isahan. kahit kailan, 'di ko malilimutan ang dalawang salitang iyon.

dapat labingapat na tula sila na magagawa sa loob ng dalawang linggo. eh kaso suntok sa buwan para sa akin 'yun. hindi pa tapos ang iba. tinatahi pa lang. inabot ako ng tatlong linggo - malamang magiging isang buwan pa. ang mahalaga:kahit papaano, marunong na akong magsulat sa Filipino - isang dalangin na ngayon lang napagbigyan. may pag-asa pa akong nararamdaman.

salamat sa Empeeten (kay ser vlad na nagmistulang pastor namin sa Filipino, sa mga kaklase kong [jamie, jedi, luchi, bevz, maiden, chino, tanya, ryan, olops, mark, sa pinaghingan namin ni jamie ng glue, etc.] naging sunud-sunuran naman), kay Sarj sa gagawing pagwasto, kay Addy, sa DG ko, Stillwaters, CCC, Ate Melai dahil sa laptop, mga boardmates ko, tindahan sa may acad oval (saan ko kayo hahagilapin pagkatapos ng ika-30 ng Septyembre?), sa mga magulang kong sobrang nagmamahal sa akin - at sa Diyos (alam Niyo na po iyon). andami kong pinasalamatan - malamang may kinalaman kayo dito.

ang daming sablay - sa grammar, sa spelling, sa content. hindi pa ito naiiwawasto nang kahit sino. birhen pa. ipapawasto ko kay Sarj, kay Ser, at kung sino pang makikilala kong makata (silang dalawa pa lang ang may kredibilidad sa akin eh). kahit lahat man sila pangit sa mata ng isang makata, pumapatak pa rin ang luha ko sa tuwa dahil nagawa ko sila.

masaya na ako 'dun.

Tuta.

Tulya.

Palagay ko, tataas pa ang bilang nito.

Labingapat pataas.

Dishwalla---Counting Blue Cars

*hm, i learned to love God beyond the question of gender.

Must of been mid afternoon
I could tell by how far
the child's shadow stretched out and
He walked with a purpose
In his sneakers, down the street
He had, many questions
Like children often do
He said,
Tell me all your thoughts on God
Tell me am I very far?

Must of been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks, in the street
And ask many questions
Like children often do
We said,
Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.

Tell me all your thoughts on God,
Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far - Am I very far now?

Its getting cold picked up the pace
How our shoes make hard noises in this place
Our clothes are stained
We pass many, cross eyed people
And ask many questions
Like children often do

Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I am on my way to see her.
So tell me am I very far?
Am I very far now
Am I very far now
Am I very far now

Not Quite - but quite

I'm quite done with the Filipino poems. Two weeks wasn't enough - and so is three.
But finally, I have the hope of finishing what I started.

Salamat sa Empeeten - sa prof ko na nagtapos bilang suma cum laude ng BA Malikhaing Pagpapatawa , sa mga kaklase ko na may mas natutunan sa subjet na 'to kaysa sa akin, at sa silid 436 na excercise instructor ko kada umaga ng Lunes at Huwebes (maliban lang kung walang pasok). 'Di pa tapos ang subject na 'to, pero ngayon pa lang nagpapasalamat na ako. Ang laking tulong niya sa akin sa pagsusulat sa Filipino - ah, hindi pala. Sa katunayan, ITO LANG ang nagturo sakin na magsulat sa Wikang nawiwirdohan ako noon. Buti na lang mahal ko mga magulang ko, nakaramdam na medyo madedehado ako dito, at nadagukan ng pangarap kong magsulat. Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng ambition.

Now that I somehow accomplished my "Filipino trip", I'm going back to writing English poems. It seems that I have already forgotten how, but the realization that I am a Filipino writing in English will change the order of my words dramatically. Seventeen poems in one month - starting on the thirteenth of August.

I'm game.