I Because of You^ and He

^too much: all of these, it’s too much.

^you know how much i love you: you who know me more than what i’ve made known to you, you who scrutinizes my mind to the deadliest of its cells, you who searches my soul to the depths of my unsaid, you who compels me to live a life floating in tears, you who makes me soar in undying wings of faith beyond, you whom i love more than i could ever hate myself, you, my you.

^you know how much i love him: he who doesn’t know me even though i think he does, he who lacerates my mind from your heart, he who can never search me for the faintest sign of love through the densest pretension, he who compels me to forbid a single tear to make sprout this ground that buries my reality, he who makes me soar with waxed lies, he, he who is not mine.

^i have crushed us: for the last time, i have crushed us.

^i have taken my life because of him: i who had made him take what used to be resilient in every abrasion of this hellish earth, taken what used to be calm in the midst of my attempts for emotional suicide, taken what used to be a strong defense against blinded love that causes agony, taken what used to be a rational mind against a deceiving heart, taken what used to be yours, i, i have taken them all.

^i have pained you again during the time i told you i love him: and again when i refused to talk to you because i was loving him, and again when i’d rather dream of his voice than read what you have written for me because I love him, and again when i tried to ruin all our plans to silently make room for him because i love him, and again when i chose to remember his smile rather than your tears for me let go of him because i was loving him, and again when i am contented in seeing him from a distance rather than staying close to you because i love him, and again because i love him.

^i don’t know the difference anymore: between your understanding and my guilt, i don’t know the difference.

^if you could possibly stay with me through all of him: possibly whisper to my deafness to hold on to you and loosen my grip of him, possibly understand my numb eyes and unleash its cleansing current that he imprisoned, possibly tell me that it wouldn’t matter if i love him or despise him because i love him too much, possibly help me say goodbye to him or say hello to a lover whom i will never be, possibly bear with me as i bear my grief for he and i, possibly cleanse my mind with your thoughts of us, possibly remind me of how we became the eternal lovers that we are, possibly love me more despite of my despicable unfaithfulness, possibly hasten me to move on to a mature spirit through your coercing encouragement, if you could possibly, please, if you could.

^i don’t feel worthy because of me: i who dishevel everything that you have painstakingly put to order, i who blame him when in truth it is i who has the grievous fault, i who complicate the supposedly divine feeling then turning it into the most evil of all, i who blind myself constantly with my own truth instead of yours, i who destroyed him because i thought he destroys me, i who has taken every truth in him then turning all of him into a lie, i who is selfish because i want him to change into someone that he wasn’t designed to be, i who pain both you and him, i, i am in the middle of sin.

^Lord Jesus: i need you more than i could have possibly needed you because of him, Lord.

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